To Friends and Family: An Apology and an Explanation

Beneath almost all anger there is sadness. It’s been no different in my case.

In the past 3 months or so, three separate people — friends and family — have told me I am “bitter,” “negative,” and that my words are “vile.” While I disagree with a lot of these generalizations, I also understand that words can be hurtful, and verbal shotgun sprays of anger can hit people you care about in ways you didn’t really want them to.

Let’s start with a friend who always loved to bring up topics with me, but never wanted to continue conversations once I answered her prompts. “I’m not really into new age stuff anymore,” she had said after I sent her a Gary Vaynerchuk video where he was delivering what I thought was a cool, short message about positivity and enjoying life. First of all, I’ve never been into “New Age” type stuff, and Gary V. isn’t a “new-ager.” Second, even if he were, that is not why I send things like that. I send them for the message. Anyway, my enthusiasm was shot down there, and she re-asserted her views. Fine.

After she became a die-hard Donald Trump fan, the pattern (one that’s been in place as long as I’ve known her) would continue. She’d start a conversation about Trump, but the moment I disagreed, end it. I pointed out his drone-bombing campaign, which surpassed Obama’s in scope. “I don’t buy it,” was all she said. Not an argument at all, but fine. Accepted once again. Then came the topic of good and evil, which she broached all on her own. “I don’t find those ideas helpful,” she said. To which I replied: “I’m not religious, but there are definitely things that are evil.” She then said again the idea of “good and evil” is a problem. So I clarified what I meant. Her response? “I don’t need your clarification.” I’m not joking. This is how each conversation went, with her broaching the topics and then leaving the conversation or getting annoyed if I disagreed. I was finally told I was bitter, not fun, and had “changed.” I was there for her to have a laugh and to agree with her. I finally decided I had been gaslit enough, and stopped communication.

Now, onto the Holocaust. When I discovered that the Auschwitz gas chamber narrative (and other such narratives) was a fraud, and read and viewed documents and direct-source videos from the U.S. Army and Nuremberg trials themselves, and viewed videos of survivor accounts which showed so much of that official Holocaust narrative to be a lie (accounts from Jewish survivors), I expected friends and family to care, and be as shocked as I was. The reaction was disbelief, and a refusal to look at the evidence. Well, fair enough. But quite a lonely feeling. Still, I understand. For years I had refused to really look into it. I just hadn’t been ready.

Onto the sadness. The anger. And all the acid I spit into the air and name calling about the current religious and political state of the mainstream world. I never wanted to seriously hurt the relationships with anyone I love and care about with my words. But at the same time, I was so saddened by the killing I saw and see, by the lies and contradictions in the Bible pastors had shamed me in my formative years for asking questions about, and the obvious evil that is presented therein as holy, that I felt I would explode if I kept my mouth shut.

In the past, when I have politely and kindly tried to state my case, or objections, guess what happens? You get shouted done, or gaslit into feeling guilty and shamed for seeing things differently than others. I found that at least if I hurl invectives, I will sometimes at least be heard. Which is preferable to rotting in ignored, lonely oblivion.

So to my friends and family reading, anarchist publications I used to work for, and politically zealous folks who in real life I love so much, know that this place is my sounding board and kind of salvation when all other such expressive outlets have been shut off or nailed shut for me by this sick society. I don’t want our relationships to suffer.

I will, however, never cease to say what I truly believe, or cower as I used to and acquiesce even though I know something is wrong. If I want to say how I see things, of course, I will, for better or for worse. The truth is the truth is the truth. I don’t claim to have it all in my grasp, but I choose to trust myself and my fallible pursuit of it, in lieu of what other humans tell me I need to believe.

I won’t pretend Donald Trump is not a New World Order puppet. Or that there is not a genocide happening in Gaza, “justified” by a terror group the Israeli state openly admits it funded and created with the U.S.
I won’t pretend the Jewish conception of God as presented in the Torah and Christian Bible is moral, and not self-contradictory and murderously violent. I won’t pretend the christ figure was not an enthnosupremacist. I won’t pretend that the Allied forces in World War II were not genocidal or that mass gassings happened at Auschwitz when survivor accounts, physics, and public record state the opposite. I won’t pretend Hitler was somehow good, either, of course. I won’t pretend. Insofar as I can help it, I won’t.

After a lifetime of being told I cannot trust myself, and to trust the views of others instead, to my extreme detriment, yes, now, some of this heartbreak comes out in sprays and shrieks of defensive rage and EXTREME verbal vitriol. Healing from the shame evilly foisted on me by church leaders eager to fill the offering plate, teachers eager to push their worldviews on me, and friends and family who told me of the virtue of seeking the truth, and anytime I went “too far,” got quiet and acted like I was doing something shameful or bizarre, is a long trip.

I know this was not all intentional. I know I have similarly hurt so many people. I don’t think I am beyond reproach. But I will also not cower anymore. For any such damage I have caused where understanding should have been the course instead, I’m sincerely sorry. For me, the relationships we share far outweigh any of these debates. But as these things matter, it’s inevitable we’ll come up against the topics. But you know what? Far more important to me are the things that make us laugh together, enjoy life in the moment, and TRULY KNOW, that we love one another. I hope that’s the way things go, more than communication breakdowns and broken relationships.

Thanks for reading.