Doing this “publicly” because in the endless and exhausting private conversations my meanings are twisted, or ignored, or weaponized against me, and I am never really heard. This time, unlike the others, I won’t speak in measured, diplomatic, softened, “clean language.” I realized that hiding my anger is a way of parenting them. I am not the parent. We are all adults here. This is my real voice. Everyone has to deal with the consequences of their actions. So, well, for the billionth and last fucking time unless there is real repair (highly doubt it):
How do you not get it?
I am not just talking about the past, but NOW. And please let dad speak for himself. You’re just doing it because you know he WON’T. He simply DOES NOT CARE ENOUGH TO RESPOND. AND YOU ARE TOO SCARED OF HIM TO RESPOND PERTINENTLY OR CALL HIM OUT.
Rather than “annoyed,” “devastated” would be the more accurate word for how I’ve felt. But I’ve done what I had to after being pushed away over and over and over again. I’m the child here, not you guys. I have so badly wanted to protect your feelings and shit, but I have my own family now that needs me well-adjusted and healthy. You guys chose to bring me into the world. Don’t make yourselves out as victims here, please. I’ve acknowledged your struggles time and time again, even before I was an adult. Comes a time to step up as mature parents.
It’s not about the past only. But NOW.
Dad tells me I was raised poorly/turned out poorly NOW in FaceTime chats. Doesn’t even bother to talk to me NOW. Says I “hate god” and am going to hell NOW. Doesn’t respond when I answer those claims NOW. How do you think that makes someone feel????? I tell you things in my life were complete shit last fall after YOU ASKED, and get these trite maxims in response. “Stop digging.” Or, “The Bible doesn’t say that.” As if I have understood it wrong and those beliefs are not largely behind my financial, emotional, and even physical issues. Well, I am not crazy. Other emotionally mature adults in my life have shown me this. There was never anything wrong with me, and I wasn’t “born bad.”
I try to imagine ignoring my son for two months after he reached out to me, and cannot fathom it. No way I will forget this. NEVER. It feels horrible inside. And it is too late because now I have SEEN IT. For the last time. Saw it many times before, too. His feelings are more important than mine. Fine. Okay. Noted. But I was on his bedside multiple times when he was depressed. I was counseling you when you guys were split up. And it’s been the same exact pattern for literal decades. He does this crap, and you cover for him. “That’s just how he is.” “The Bible doesn’t say that.” I just can’t fake it anymore and pretend I am wrong anymore to preserve the peace. YOU GUYS ARE THE PARENTS. NOT ME. And if A was doing this to B I’d be ON HER INCESSANTLY TO STEP UP AND ANSWER HIM. You are unable to do that with dad, even on my behalf. I’ve realized that. It’s a nasty dynamic and I refuse to rotate around that toxic axis anymore. I’ve got my own axis now. And my own planet. Called Earth. Finally. THANKS BE TO REALITY!
Anyway, I realized I actually like myself. Why should I have to shrink to avoid condemnation/explosions/rug sweeping/conditional acceptance? Everyone has a choice, including you guys. I said clearly I didn’t want to do this. I wanted to be my full self but couldn’t because it would make you feel bad. So I exited. But you just keep pushing. What did you like about my song you listened to? What was the title? What did you think of the lyrics? What posts are you watching? Just more vague generalisms as always. Hoovering. I think you are worried about not feeling bad inside of yourself. Not really about me. ALL I’VE GIVEN YOU GUYS IS MY VOICE AND MY FACE AND IT HAS BEEN THROWN AWAY. Get real.
I don’t even care about the past, really, in a sense. I don’t expect agreement on everything. But acknowledgement of the truth. Even if B was telling me what a terrible person I was, I would endlessly keep trying to connect, understand and help. EVEN if his assessments were “unfair” by my compass. I wouldn’t gaslight him. And especially with apologies for another parent who can’t even string two lines together to show some love for his son FOR HIMSELF.
My life actually, literally fell apart due to the toxic teachings in the Bible, which I’ve showed you verse by verse. Shame, babies being “evil,” fear of “hell,” murder and p*dophilia and slavery being condoned “old” and “new testament” which tormented and confused the hell out of me. Self-hatred for my very own body (ThE FlEsH), extremely unwise and dangerous teachings on money and the future and love which I ate up. Which were BEATEN into me. Yes, Jesus does say “He who does not forsake all he has …. cannot be my disciple,” and then the church in Acts did exactly that. Gave away all their money. It is right there in YOUR book which YOU GUYS TOLD ME TO STUDY!!!!! No reply from you on that but to say I am not understanding it right. WHAT???? It’s right there. Read it! It was my life and time that was f***ed up and tragically wasted and stolen from me because of it.
I was fine fixing it and moving on with some acknowledgement from my folks. And I am finally fixing my life now. Even a simple: “Yeah, that is definitely in the Bible and could correctly and validly be interpreted that way,” would help. Or a single fucking human empathic reply from dad.
All this stuff. I just wanted some acknowledgment. But I understand and accept you guys literally can’t. You quite actually refuse. The religion is more important to you than your son. It has nothing to do with intellect. That is a cheap cop out to escape responsibility. I am just pointing out things that are there, and that actually happened. Even braindead fools could see them. Even some respectable Christians can reply sensibly: “Yeah, that stuff is definitely in there. I understand why you wouldn’t believe, but me personally, I do. I disagree with your interpretation but it is a valid and sensible interpretation.” That’s a sensible human, emotionally mature response. Getting gaslit, ignored, and/or shouted down is a cult response. I don’t do cults! I will never do cults.
How can I feel good being around and talking to people who think I am completely lost spiritually and a bad person foundationally because I don’t have “Jesus”? How can I feel acceptance when anything I say that doesn’t agree with you guys’ personal interpretations of things or political preferences results in massive disapproval and explosions and silence/withdrawal of expressions of acceptance, communication, and love? How can I feel good continuing for FOUR DECADES to try and talk to someone who doesn’t even give enough of a fuck to answer me? Imagine what that does. To a child, no less.
I wish I could pretend and keep things phony and surface level to preserve some connection. I get stomachaches often thinking of you guys and missing you. But it feels wrong to pretend things are all okay inside of me when it comes to you. I am the “kid” here. You guys chose to bring me into this world. Now I’m an adult and need to give my love and energy to my own family and cannot waste all my precious hours before and after work on this crap anymore!!! Hell, I even spend time AT WORK trying to word things just right to finally be worthy of an honest human response. If you guys can face your shit and *reality*, maybe connection can be had again. Until then I cannot do it. It was killing me inside.
I love you both very much and didn’t want this, But I know I am seeing clearly now, and won’t be misled and treated like crap anymore. Love is an action as well as a noun. The action is the most important thing.
And before pretending things weren’t “that bad.” Or aren’t “that bad,” your daughter was anorexic and miserable for years, and your son ended up in a mental hospital. That doesn’t tell you something was awry??????? Jesus fucking Christ. But again. Not about the past. I forgave it and tried to let it go, but the nasty behavior just…persisted. Even until right now. Well, I’m not gonna be eating that shit sandwich anymore. Know that for a fact. Learn it like your new Bible.
Voluntary Japan 