Unless you’ve been through it, you can’t fully understand. Beginning to understand that you weren’t defective as a baby. As a tiny little infant. Sounds insane, but somewhere inside of me still actually believes this shit. I am rooting it out little by little and going through the pain of it. Realizing even now when you look back YOU feel guilty because you had human needs at less than one year old! What a fucking brainwash and physical abuse campaign!
Beginning to understand you were never fundamentally defective or evil as you were taught.
When you finally start to really wake up to it all, it feels just like your time and opportunities and entire youth have been senselessly ripped away from you. And they have. All those years you could have been building something wonderful and stable and for yourself and your family, but you were taught the world was trash, money was evil and not to be worried about, and that a magic man in the sky would swoop down and deliver all of life’s goodness to you if only you prayed enough and didn’t do too many “bad” things. You realize your sexuality was toxically stifled and your body was literally damaged by the leather strap whippings and ideas of sex and the body being evil.
Well. There is no time to start again but the present. If I am lucky I’ll have another 42 years. But even if I don’t, I am not wasting anymore goddamn time on this evil, putrid, flaming pile of horseshit they told me was the only way to live. I was never defective. In a way, after cutting all this shit off, and the people that did it to me, my life has just begun again.
Voluntary Japan 